On Death and Dying..
In my undergraduate "Lifespan Development" class, the last chapter was appropriately located and named "Death and Dying". Our teacher, who became one of my biggest mentors, and inspired me to become a school psychologist, admitted that this was her least favorite chapter and didn't like to spend much time on it. I don't blame her - no-one likes it. When we think about the "span of life", death is not the place we like to focus. We like to think about birth, all of the amazing stages of childhood, and on and on we go. When we get to the "death chapter", both literally and figuratively, it is not really something we are prepared for or even want to think about. Yet, the end of the semester leads to the inevitable death and dying chapter, and the end of our own lives, and of those around us, forces us to have to deal with, contemplate, and resolve, if you will. I haven't decided to suddenly become morose, in case you were wondering. I've decided to talk about the gloom since it is the "end of the semester" in a loved-one's life. Aaron's grandpa has been in a home for years, and is now in the hospital in critical condition. We don't know if he's going to pull through - he's surprised us before, and I really hope he does, but this whole situation has brought me back to the "death and dying" chapter in my mind, and I just thought I'd share for a minute :)
Since I started writing this post, we found out that Grandpa Jim's condition is terminal. He is within days, if not hours from death. So, of course this is all very sad. No-one wants to say good-bye to someone they love, but at the same time, I think the whole family is starting to see the beauty in it. A nurse came to talk to us about "next steps" if you will, and she said something that I really liked. She said, "We all know that birth is a beautiful thing, but so is death. It's one of the two most important transitions in one's life, so we need to do what we can to make it a good and comfortable one." I know it's not profound, but it got me thinking, mostly about Hayes. I hate to go to this thought, but one day, it will be him dying. I will be long gone, hopefully, and this child who is so full of life, with everything ahead of him, will maybe be a grandpa, and will have HIS whole family around him, with new babies, and new life. It is so simple, but so hard to get your head wrapped around.
So what then? We just are born to die? I don't think so. It's that middle part that is often forgotten about. These pivatol moments: birth and death...they are huge, but they aren't really life. Life is what is in between. As a Christian, I also believe in an after life. I am not sure what it entails. There are so many different theoretical interpretations of what "heaven" is, that I figure it's not worth wasting my time. What I do believe is that there will be something more. Unlike some Christians though, I don't "live for death". You know the whole "this life is but a breath" mumbo jumbo, and "I live for my heavenly rewards". I don't mean to mock, because I know this is a verse in the Bible, but I tend to translate it differently. I feel that we need to make that little breath count, and not consider it to be nothing (double negative, I apologize). I feel that the way we live here, while it impacts what happens later, matters now too!
I was in a conversation one time - with another Christian, and a non-believer (sorry to use this term - I know it's annoying, but I don't know how else to say it). Anyway, I told him that even if I got to the end of my life and found out that everything I believed wasn't true, at least I knew I was living in a way that I would never regret - I mean what is better than living your life with love? But my more "spiritual" conversational partner indicated that "I don't live for this life. I live for the life after". Such a typical "Christian" response, and it makes me sick. Because, no-one really means that. Whether or not they want to admit it, "after-life Christians" do care about this life. They pretend that death doesn't scare them, but it does. It's unknown, and no matter how many times you read your Bible, you're not going to know exactly what it's like until you're there.
So I'm just being honest that this whole death thing, it has me uncomfortable, but I still do see the beauty. It's almost like the finality of death makes life so much more poignant. I see it because I sat with my great-grandma, holding her hand when she died. She was scared - there is no doubt, but once she was gone, there was a peaceful silence. I looked around, and here was her family, all together, honoring her. Now we're going through the same thing with Aaron's grandpa. I can't be sad that my son will one day be in his shoes, but rather celebrate everything in between and rejoice in the fact that Jim has left a legacy and is leaving us for those that left him long ago. It's not that it doesn't scare me, but it makes me want to live more, deeper, wider, and with much enthusiasm. Breath in, breath out, and relish in it all.
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