First post being on my own at home with two children aged two and under. All of you that said, "just wait", I suppose I should have taken that as a warning. I don't want to seem ungrateful for my children. I know I am blessed beyond words to have them, and know some ache to have what I have, so this is not a "what was I THINKING 11 months ago" kind of post. More of a, "this is how I cope when I am sure I don't have an ounce of patience left in me" kind of post. A "this is what I do to keep from completely losing it on my son when he crawls out of his room screaming at me" kind of post. I have decided there is a place called Majestic Island. I took my first visit today when I tried, like a moron, to take a shower while my son and daughter happened to be napping at the same time. Usually I force Hayes to come into the bathroom with me and watch ToyStory on the iPad...I know, mother-of-the-year material right here. Anyway, as I am rinsing the shampoo, I here the warning whimpers in the monitor. I know I only have a matter of seconds before Lula wakes up, starts screaming, and in turn wakes up her brother much too early from his nap. "Just shave the bottom half the legs, forget the conditioner..." But it wasn't quick enough and she started screaming. "It's ok. Just grab her, and finish getting ready one handed". One contact in, I half see and fully hear Hayes crawling out of his room (he is currently not walking due to an unexplainable foot injury... He has also been carting himself around in a radio flyer wagon and is eerily resembling Lieutenant Dan on a rampage. He just rammed into me a little while ago.). Actually, what I hear is the screaming, not the crying. As with most short naps, he is still tired and not making any sense in his rambling screams. I eventually realize he is asking that I put clothes on. Of course, I would like to, but I am holding a screaming baby and trying to reason with a screaming toddler. I start to put on my robe and he freaks out that he wants to go downstairs. I tell him that is fine, but I have to put real clothes on to go downstairs. He does not approve and has decided that I should wear my robe alone and is now crawling behind me as I walk to and from the bathroom with my robe in his clutches, screaming, "Wear dis! Wear dis momma! Ahhhhhh! Wear diiiiiiiiiiss!!". I try explaining again. No point. The boy wants me in the robe. So I try ignoring the behavior, get dressed, get Lula dressed, who is also still screaming (oh, she stopped for a minute...I managed to sneak a feeding in during the tantrum, she fell back asleep and was woken up again by the demanding screams). As they are both screaming, a robe is being pushed against my leg, and I am not sure where to go from here, I think, wouldn't it be nice to go to Majestic Island? I know it doesn't exist, but it does now. At Majestic Island, I look smokin hot in my new bikini, and new body. Suddenly the evidence of having had two children has disappeared! My belly is flat. My hips have gone back to year 18. I am sipping a delicious margarita. My husband is unaware of any of my previous flaws, and my children are wading in the pool with the fat nanny who makes me cookies which never seem to have any effect on my thighs and go straight to my ever growing breasts. "Wear dis Maaaaaa maaa!". And, I'm back. After finally figuring out how to get Hayes down the stairs by having him sitting on my lap (forgot to mention, due to recent hemorrhage, I am not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds. Hahahahaha) he proceeds to throw a fit that he wants me to get the other wagon from the garage instead of the one I have out. 20 minutes later: fit done, Hayes is watching Wall-E and I decide it is high time to write on my blog. By the way, when googling the name of my "crazy mommy is checking out island", I found it is actually a galaxy far, far away. How appropriate. "Just a minute Hayes, Mommy is going to visit outer space for a moment. Be right back". Well, better do some housework and Christmas cards now, and Lieutenant Dan wants out of his wagon.
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