Thankful

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First of all, I have to apologize for letting this blog go.  I have had so much weighing on me that I wasn't ready to share with everyone, and writing much if anything else just seemed false and insincere.  That being said, this Thanksgiving I almost can't express all I have in my heart to say.  It has been the most eventful year of my life, to say the least.  I had so much to be thankful for, and then Monday, I thought I would lose it all, and now, my appreciation for life is truly so hard to fully express.  I'll start by sharing with all of you the joy of learning I was pregnant with Tallulah.  It had been about five days since I had been in the emergency room with slight bleeding (I am Rh negative.  If you suspect you are pregnant and bleed, you have to get a shot to protect the baby...look it up if you want more) ;). The ER doctor told me I was either having a miscarriage or was pregnant, since my HcG levels were so low. So, we had to have a week of not not knowing, as I had my blood drawn every other day to see which direction the hormone levels were going. Up meant pregnant.  Down meant, well, not anymore.  Then I got the call that my numbers were doubling, even tripling, and congratulations, I was pregnant.  We were ecstatic!  And of course, relieved.  And then, as we had forgotten about the stress of that first week and were in the midst of our excitement, results came back from a quad screen test (maternal blood serum test that screens for 4 different birth defects).  I was leaving Hobby Lobby and got the call from the doctor, which is never good.  If a doctor calls with results and not the nurse, be suspicious.  He told me that I came up "screen positive for Down syndrome".  This did not mean she had it, but it increased my odds from 1/800 to 1/75.  Let's just say it was a good thing my sister-in-law was with me, because my whole world stopped.  I left Hayes in his stroller in the middle of the parking lot and collapsed into the car.  As a school psychologist, I had always thought I was empathetic to parents when they first hear their child is "different" in some way, but after the possibility that mine might be, I now know I had no idea.  We had to meet with a genetic counselor at the hospital and then came the big deal ultrasound which would reveal any "soft markers" of Down syndrome which would either increase my odds or decrease them.  During the ultrasound we found out we were having a girl, which I feel so badly about now, but I couldn't really rejoice in.  All I wanted to know was if she was ok.  I wish I could go back and tell myself that either way she was MY little girl and would be loved no differently, but alas, I was a bit stoic at the news.  The ultrasound and all subsequent ones revealed no soft markers.  Aaron, the strong and optimistic person he is, was certain everything was fine, but I couldn't let go of the possibility that she had it, until I heard from the pediatrician, a day after she was born, that she had typical chromosomes.  We could have had tests to give us a definite yes or no, but they come with risks to the baby, and unlike a lot of people in our situation, we knew we wanted to continue the pregnancy if she had Down syndrome (92% of pregnancies are terminated when Down syndrome is detected).  Anyway, we decided to wait it out, and I tried to prepare my heart for welcoming a child with Down syndrome.  I wanted to be ready to give her the best opportunities possible.  I want to make clear that it is not that I would have been upset if she had had Diwn syndrome, but to be honest, as a parent, you want nothing more than for your child to have the best opportunities in life, and knowing they could have difficulties and that life and others might be cruel to them...it kills you a little, well, a whole lot, inside.  Well, after 7 months of not knowing, we welcomed Tallulah Florence, with typical chromosomes.  She is perfect and she would have been even if she had one more chromosome.  Just a word of advice to you future mommies: if you would keep a baby even if they had Down syndrome (which I really hope you would!) then don't do the quad screen.  It has a false positive rate of 95%.  This means only five percent of positive screens actually result in a defect.  So that was a huge journey this year ;). In addition, my brother got married, Aaron's sister got married, Hayes turned two, we sold our condo, and we moved into a new house.  Twelve days after we moved, Tallulah was born and my "heart grew three sizes that day".  I thought it impossible to love someone as much as Hayes, and then I saw her, and it was official, I had more than enough space for her.. There is nothing like meeting your child for the first time, feeling your soul get pulled out, wrapped up around their beautiful face, and rejoining you.  Life was good.  And then Monday.

We were at Lula's doctor appointment, (read on at your own risk...it gets a bit graphic), and all of a sudden I felt a gush of blood coming out of me.  I looked down and blood was covering my pants, shoes and pooling on the floor.  Aaron called for the doctor, they laid me down, and Aaron rushed me to the ER.  I thought I was going to die.  All I could think about was how much I loved my family and didn't want to leave them.  Eventually the bleeding stopped and my doctor told me I could leave and go home.  This was a bit much to take in: going from thinking I was going to die to trying to believe everything was just fine.  The doctors still don't know exactly what happened.  So now I am home and all I have been able to do is kiss my babies and thank God I have been given more time with them.  

Thankful doesn't seem the right word.  It simply isn't big enough to describe how I feel to be alive and to have my beautiful family surrounding me today.  Contemplating meeting your maker also made me realize, I have completely taken His blessings for granted.  This whole year I have been worried.  Worried about Lula, worried about moving, worried about dying... I think maybe God is telling me, yet again, to Trust.  Trust that even the details are covered.  I can't control chromosomes, or when my life will end here, but I can try to enjoy it without fear.  So Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!  If my experience can be a lesson to anyone, look around you: take it all in and be thankful.