The $100 Conundrum

I apologize for the lag in posting.  Hayes' first birthday is this Saturday and I have been crazy busy trying to prepare for the party.  We are doing a monster theme and after my incessant watching of "Cake Boss" I am certain that I am T.V. trained in baking a giant birthday cake - rice krispie treat toppers and all.  I am in the midst of making the monsters out of treats and home-made modeling chocolate (just chocolate chips and corn syrup- who'd of guessed?!).  Anyway, lots has happened since I posted last.  Well, not really lots, just a lot in my head.  So, I'm not really sure which angle I am going to take today.  If you're alright with it, I think I may just write and see where it leads me.  I think I'm going to save my whole "I can't believe my baby is 1" schpeal (how on earth do you spell that??) anyway, I'll leave that talk for his birthday or the day after.  I could talk about how going to the post office with your grabby handed son and trying to create a box and stuff with party favors is an impossible endeavor, but I may save that story for now too.  I suppose what is eating at me is being honest with all of you.  Strange to feel you need to be honest with people you may not even know, yet here I am.  So here it goes: Hello, my name is Callie, and I am a hypochondriac/ slave to anxiety.  I know I have eluded to it in humor before, but it is now hurting my family financially and I am realizing it's actually a real problem.  I just always assumed that my anxiety was like one tiny little pebble compared to the mountains some face, but lo and behold, I think I may have my own mountain.  I just got a bill for $100 for going to the doctor.  I couldn't understand why the insurance hadn't covered any of it, so I called.  The insurance agent then informed me that my appointment was billed "anxiety" and they do not cover any mental health costs.  Here is where I tell you about the appointment.  Alright, so I have a tendency to freak over nothing, but since my potential breast cancer scare, I am even more freaked about any little thing.  I was getting ready and saw my stomach in the mirror as I twisted and swore I saw a bunch of bumps.  Then I felt, and felt, and felt...later I checked again, and again.  And I came to the rational realization that I had cancer, which had spread from my boob to my intestines.  Then I did the number one "no-no" for any hypochondriac: I looked it up on the internet.  Aaron has forbid me to go onto WebMD, but like most people addicted to sin, I do it when he's gone (sorry if you didn't know that babe, and you're reading this.  I try not to, but sometimes I do.  I'm weak.)  Anyway, on WebMD, it said that this could be the first stage of Hodgkin lymphoma.. Scratch breast cancer spreading, now it is lymphoma.  Cue heart racing, inability to think rationally, more checking (all lymph nodes now), doom looming, and the inevitable call to the doctor.  "Why do you want to see the doctor?" the receptionist asks.  "Well, I have some lumps in my abdomen.  Probably nothing, but I just want to get it checked" (although I could be dying of cancer lady, so get me in fast! - didn't say this, but definitely thought it).  That day I got into the doctor.  He checked the bumps.  Just muscle (as my husband predicted).  I had him check my heart, because I am also certain I have some sort of rare heart disease.  It didn't help when my heart rate raced to 150 during labor and everyone freaked out.  Anyway, he checked my heart, which was racing (he's already done an EKG on me before, so probably didn't see the need to do it again) and then as he continued to listen it calmed down.  He informed me that my heart would not be slowing if there were truly a problem.  I told him I knew it was probably just anxiety and that I know I am a hypochondriac.  He then turned into my shrink and told me various vitamins to help increase serotonin (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor wannabes).  He told me that I could come in anytime that I needed to get something checked but if this started to control my life I should think about real medication (SSRI's of some sort).  I told him I didn't think it was to that point yet.  Which I still don't.  That was actually the only time I've been to see him this year, which is an improvement from previous years.  Except we all know that if you are getting coded as "anxiety" and get charged $100 to go to the doctor, I can no longer use this as my means for ridding myself of the fear.  So good-bye Dr. Martinez and hello support group.  I will be joining an online anxiety support group.  As a Christian who exhibits absolutely no faith that the God I attest to believing in will take care of me, I continually am back to God asking for forgiveness for this undying lack of trust.  I know if I truly gave it all up, He would give me peace. But here's the truth: I don't think God controls our illnesses.  I believe that biology and sin and all the ickiness is not given nor kept by God.  So, even though I know He would help me through it, I don't have the comfort that some Christians have that everything that happens happens for a reason.  In fact, that is my most hated phrase ever.  It is in my opinion Christians inability to deal with the fact that sometimes, pardon my language my fainthearted readers, but sometimes, shit just happens.  God doesn't make Billy die so that Johnnie will become a Christian.  Billy dies because Billy was an idiot and took too many drugs.  Sorry, I am on a soap-box I did not mean to stand on, but it may help you to understand why I still struggle with the whole "give it to God and it will all be alright" mentality.  I also believe that God knows we are intelligent people and that we need each other to get better and we need guidance.  I have been intentional about my time studying the Bible and I have definitely felt more at peace.  And after my cancer scare, I truly have been better about just enjoying my life and not letting worry overcome me.  But I don't think it's wrong to admit that I need to seek guidance from others going through what I am going through.  So I am going to find a group and start the support group journey.  You didn't know you were signing up for "mommy blogs" and "mommy is crazy blogs", did you?!  If you are still with me, I will keep you all updated on my journey.  There will be talk of faith, so those of you who are not so keen on the idea, I apologize.  But my faith is part of who I am and I believe is central to me getting through this.  Also, there will be all out and out honesty, so those of you who don't like any swearing or harsh thinking, you may want to rate this PG-13 and reconsider reading.  I will still talk about my mommyhood, but I just thought you should know that this blog could be taking an abrupt turn to the left.  Well, thanks for reading, and double thanks if you actually decide to continue!