Julie

I knew that eventually I would write about her and her story, and figure that in light of the cancer walk I will be doing in October, I owe you an explanation of who this lady is that inspired me and so many others.  I need to do a little bit of a forward though, because until about six months ago, I felt for Julie, but after my own experience, which was extremely minimal, I feel that I can empathize just a little bit more than I could before.  I went in to the doctor as I had some "boob" issues.  I had already had a breast ultrasound 6 months prior to this when I found two lumps in my boob (I'm just going to say boob - breast is way too "sex education in fourth grade" for my liking).  Anyway, those turned out to be benign, but when I felt something new, I decided I should go back in.  When I did, the new ultrasound revealed a suspicious area.  Don't feel too sorry for me, because when I went in for the biopsy the next week, the radiologist said he didn't want to go through with it since they couldn't locate the spot for more than a second and thought it was likely due to breastfeeding.  I was relieved, but am still a bit apprehensive and for that one week, I had imagined what it must have been like for Julie.  So, let me introduce Julie.  In writing a blog about being a mom, I feel I owe her a huge mention.  She and my own mother were very good friends, and I babysat for her children for much of my adolescent years.  Also - she did my hair, pierced my ears, and gave me my first highlights :)  But that's just how I knew her.  That's not who she was.  She was this extremely exuberant woman who just seemed to radiate joy and love.  Anyone who knew her, knows what I'm talking about.  It was impossible to leave Julie's house without having a smile on your face.  She loved her family so much and delighted in being a mother, a wife, and a friend.  When she was in her early 30's she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She fought it for years, and eventually, when she was 39, she lost the fight.  She had no history in her family.  She was young.  She had four young children.  I'm not telling this to make you sad, but to help you to understand my heart and why this walk is so important to me, and hopefully to pass on Julie's message.  After having my sliver of a scare, I started thinking about what it would be like to know you were going to leave your family behind.  I started grieving for the years that she lost out on, and how unfair the whole thing was.  Don't get me wrong though, Julie was at peace by the end of her struggle.  Her faith was the most astonishing thing to me through all of it.  She was even showcased in a local paper - her journals about her journey made public to help others going through the same thing.  She was once quoted, speaking of death as "God's servant who will carry me to my Savior."  Being someone who struggles with faith - in that I am constantly doubting that God is truly going to provide, and my anxiety seems to overrule peace on a continual basis, Julie's faith that there were things bigger than her, still astonishes me and leaves me striving to be just an ounce more like her.  I am a self-diagnosed hypochondriac, and worry about the smallest of the mundane, and what is the true fear?  Death.  I am afraid of it.  I am afraid of my life ending, and am unable to just give it up and relent control.  And this doesn't just pertain to life and death, but to everything in my life.  I have this undying need to control, and am learning that I just need to let go.  I do feel like I need to write an aside here.  This is just my on opinion on life and death and things of God (not speaking for Julie, of course, or for her family), but I don't believe that God decided Julie should die.  I don't believe he decides any of that.  I believe that cancer, and heart attacks, and all of the horrible things that come our way are not from God.  I believe he can turn them into something beautiful - you know, the whole beauty from ashes sort of deal, but I don't think he ever creates illnesses.  I just read a book with my book club called, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner and I mostly completely agree with the author's theology.  If you want to know more on that topic, I highly suggest you read it, otherwise I might start rambling about something I didn't even intend to talk about. 
Aside from Julie's faith,  she had an amazing sense of humor - it never left her.  I remember, I was over one night at her place and she told my dad and her husband: "you two need a beer.  I'm fine - just go in the other room and relax!".  This from a woman who was on oxygen and so weak she couldn't get to the bathroom herself.  She also required that her closest friends wear thongs to her funeral, and was in a support group called "breast friends".  When she would go in for doctor visits, she would turn pictures upside down just to see what the doctors would do. 
As you can probably guess by now, Julie was/is an inspiration to me.  And not just her, but all of the women who one day got the diagnosis of "cancer" who just kept going without fear, but with hope.  After my own experience, I felt that I needed to live - and not in the literal sense.  I felt I needed to embrace the life I had and enjoy everything about it!  The truth is, as much as I ignore it or fixate on it, death is not something I can control.  But I can control my living and how I do it.  I can rejoice in Hayes walking, and soak in all of the giggles, and the kisses and the snuggles.  I can laugh, talk with, walk with, and love my husband.  Simply relishing a moment is my snub on death.  I thought about running a 5K - to say screw you anxiety, I am in shape and can do it, and then my hip went out...from carrying my sumo baby :)  But it will get better and one of these days I will do it.  In the mean time, I want to walk - for Julie and all the others whose lives were much too short.  If you'd like to join me or to donate, please visit my Making Strides page (by clicking the respective hyperlinks in this sentence).  Thanks for reading! (I know that was a long winded one) ;)