Grey Day
I realize I am the world's most inconsistent blogger. Sorry about that. I almost didn't blog today, but figured I should just lay it out there. It's just one of those days, where my mood matches the weather. No-one warned me that as a stay-at-home-mom, that there would be days that you just thought the worst of yourself and wished you were doing something you were good at. I'm not looking for sympathy, and I'm sure it's just a phase, so please don't send me encouraging messages - I know your hearts, I just need to lay mine out there without anyone thinking I'm fishing for compliments. It's just that sometimes I feel that I have in my mind all of the things I want to accomplish, and all of the attributes I want to display, and in the moment, they all fall to pieces.
In terms of the hypochondria, I am still a mess. I joined a support group, and let me tell you, these people are all super crazy. :) lol...seriously though! I am sure that is what anyone says when they're not being honest about themselves. So. Okay, maybe I am just as crazy as they are. Maybe I check for breast lumps multiple times per day. Maybe I googled: "lung cancer early symptoms" three times yesterday. Maybe I checked my pulse to determine my impending doom of a heart attack in the car on the way to the grocery store. Buuut...I do not believe my eyelids are swelling shut like one of the girls on the site (although, seriously, my eye has swollen shut twice in my life: once from a bee sting and once from picking a zit that got infected. Talk about things not to say to a hypochondriac: My doc says, "If the swelling doesn't go down, you're going to need to go to the hospital and get antibiotics intravenously, because it could turn into meningitis". I looked like a character from Avatar). Anyway, needless to say, the support group has not been a huge help so far. I will keep trying, but I don't want to just talk about the crazy, I want to make it better. Any cognitive behavioral home therapy books anyone would recommend? :) (seriously though)
And, I am sort of freaking about leaving my son for the weekend. I am so excited about the wedding I am in, but this is the first time I've left Hayes and he is still being weaned and I am horrified that my boobs are going to burst. Sorry for the bluntness, but it's true. I am also worried that he won't sleep, that he'll have an allergic reaction, and that he will fall down my parent's stairs. I completely trust them, but I have a hard time fully giving up control to anyone other than me (have you picked up on that yet?). It didn't help that I had a dream that he knocked over his pack-n-play and went tumbling down the stairs. The same night I had a dream that I had lung cancer: thus the googling. (I have had some creepy prophetic dreams, so whenever I have something awful happen in my sleep, it plagues me for days..weeks...years).
So now that we are all thoroughly depressed, I am going to go take a shower before Hayes wakes up, and also try to get my house in order before my husband comes home. And don't worry, I'll be fine - I'll try to turn this attitude around. Maybe some prayer, reading, and coffee will do the trick? Toodles!
In terms of the hypochondria, I am still a mess. I joined a support group, and let me tell you, these people are all super crazy. :) lol...seriously though! I am sure that is what anyone says when they're not being honest about themselves. So. Okay, maybe I am just as crazy as they are. Maybe I check for breast lumps multiple times per day. Maybe I googled: "lung cancer early symptoms" three times yesterday. Maybe I checked my pulse to determine my impending doom of a heart attack in the car on the way to the grocery store. Buuut...I do not believe my eyelids are swelling shut like one of the girls on the site (although, seriously, my eye has swollen shut twice in my life: once from a bee sting and once from picking a zit that got infected. Talk about things not to say to a hypochondriac: My doc says, "If the swelling doesn't go down, you're going to need to go to the hospital and get antibiotics intravenously, because it could turn into meningitis". I looked like a character from Avatar). Anyway, needless to say, the support group has not been a huge help so far. I will keep trying, but I don't want to just talk about the crazy, I want to make it better. Any cognitive behavioral home therapy books anyone would recommend? :) (seriously though)
And, I am sort of freaking about leaving my son for the weekend. I am so excited about the wedding I am in, but this is the first time I've left Hayes and he is still being weaned and I am horrified that my boobs are going to burst. Sorry for the bluntness, but it's true. I am also worried that he won't sleep, that he'll have an allergic reaction, and that he will fall down my parent's stairs. I completely trust them, but I have a hard time fully giving up control to anyone other than me (have you picked up on that yet?). It didn't help that I had a dream that he knocked over his pack-n-play and went tumbling down the stairs. The same night I had a dream that I had lung cancer: thus the googling. (I have had some creepy prophetic dreams, so whenever I have something awful happen in my sleep, it plagues me for days..weeks...years).
So now that we are all thoroughly depressed, I am going to go take a shower before Hayes wakes up, and also try to get my house in order before my husband comes home. And don't worry, I'll be fine - I'll try to turn this attitude around. Maybe some prayer, reading, and coffee will do the trick? Toodles!
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